Lactose-induced sexual attraction

Warning! This following piece of writing contains facts and opinions that may be deemed racistic and/or xenophobic. The author wishes to imply that this blog is of purely entertaining purposes, i.e. no offense is meant. By continuing reading it you accept the author's explanation. Otherwise, you may consider not reading this post. Thank you!

Before I came to Sweden two years ago, I shared the image that the rest of the world has for Swedish girls - namely the image of tall, slender, fair, blue-eyed goddesses that can empty a man's soul with but a single glance and render him unconscious using only a smile. As a side note, this was a major issue for my girlfriend back then.. Oh, jealousy, thy name is insanity. It turned out, however, this was not the truth. The aforementioned goddesses comprise only a small part of the Swedish female population. The majority has become a victim of evolution, which, as we know, does not care that much about appearance but instead is interested in keeping the species alive in the current conditions.

By current conditions I mean temperatures that can drop from plus 10 (here this is considered warm) to minus 20 in a single night. It is very hard for metabolism to switch over for such a short time period. This is why insulation is needed. In other words, lots of Swedish girls have amounts of soft tissues I do not consider attractive. In the rare cases they do not, I am discontent with their facial features. (Picky, aren't I?) And in the extremely rare cases they fit the northern goddess image, they express either an Ice Queen attitude or you can do the infamous cartoon experiment with a flashlight beam coming out of the other ear. (Extremely picky, aren't I?). I guess a couple of hundred years of isolation and inbreeding can do this to a population.

At first, I though my infatuation with another female representative would have an impact on my judgement. Even without this factor though, the conditions described above remained in power. I started wondering if there was some serious misunderstanding between my visual input and my endocrine functions. This theory was also nullified by the fact that currently I am high above Cloud 9 (called Seventh Heaven in other cultures) plus I find some international students both well-spoken, intelligent and attractive. Purely aesthetically speaking, of course.

Now, I did not want to be the odd man out, i.e. the Queer-that-does-not-like-Swedish-girls, so I kept my opinions to myself. Furthermore, it is not very polite pointing out other people's imperfections. It is a luxury kept exclusively for friends. You can easily imagine my relief when an Indian guy, whom a lot of women here consider very attractive, complained about having the same problem. Now, we are both men of science (he is conducting some kind of research on bovine fetuses), so we put our heads together in an effort to elaborate a theory about the reasons and solutions for our predicament.

We started out like this. First, we clarified, we do not find Swedish girls that much of attraction. Then we got into account the famous statement that "All men are the same", shouted on multiple occasions by frustrated or infuriated women all over the world. If this was correct, then the Swedish men were also not quite happy with their women. Thus the theory quickly faced its first major problem: how is the Swedish nation still alive?

For thousands of years mankind has through trial and error encountered many substances with peculiar physiological properties. Some of those had a major impact on the secretion of certain hormones and other metabolites, leading to increased libido and lust. Those, as we know, are called aphrodisiacs. Potent ones include oysters (I can vouch for the effects of this one), sepia bone and rhinocerous horn among others. Those can be really expensive, not to mention poisonous if ingested in high amounts (rotten oysters.. ouch). Our aphrodisiac had to be both potent, inexpensive and easily accessible. After all, the fate of a whole nation was at stake.

Our choice fell on milk. The denizens of Scandinavia consume copious amounts of milk and dairy products every day. Thus, a simple backbone theory was introduced: In order for the Swedes to be attracted to their women, they have to ingest a lot of cheese. Being true men of science, we decided to test this theory ourselves and eat a lot of cheese every day while at the same time monitor our internal reactions to the native females.

Around this time the bar closed and we went home. We soon discovered that the theory did not work quite as expected. My friend fell in love with a German girl and I am enamored by a member of my own tribe, the Bulgarians. It was still a nice theory, though.